blue skies

On a sunny day, you can always find me staring into those deep blue skies. The limitless width of the skies always give me a sense of peace, is as though it is telling me to cheer up. Telling me that every things is going to be alright. So just smile for it =)

hurtful and hateful

Can any one tell me the difference between hurtful and hateful? There is a fine line between these two terms, but nevertheless, they still have very different meaning.

Hurtful is when some one is hurt either physically or emotionally. When you do something or say something that may make another person uncomfortable, angry, despair and painful, you are being hurtful.

Hateful, on the other end, is a lot more extreme. Unlike hurtful, hateful can be demonstrated via anger or actions that can lead to potential damage that one can never be able to forgive. One also cannot be hateful before first experiencing hurtful. After a series of hurtful events, may I say that, it can lead to hatred? Hence, becoming hateful?

My understanding on this two term is very different, but then again, I might be wrong. Let me know what do you think.

But one thing for sure is that being hurtful or hateful begins with hurt. No one will ever choose to be hurtful or hateful without a reason. After all, God made us to love one another. I believe that before all this negative events arises, there is love. What causes love to be overwhelmed by such darkness? Was it that series of hurtful events? And where does the love goes once the person becomes such hurtful or hateful people?

drained.

Management is fun, but is really draining at the same time. I rarely eat or even stay at home, commerce building has become my second home. On top of that, I see my team mates more than I see my brother nowadays. Sigh. By the end of the day, I just don't feel like doing any thing and stare at the wall blankly for as long as I can. 2 more weeks, just 2 more. Lord, I need you...

blessed abundantly

I've grown stronger, not on my own, but with help from God =) It was Easter weekend and I had an amazing quality time with God. Although two days sounded short, but I was blessed in a way more than I can ever imagine. I too realized that it is important that we need to have the right heart to seek God and to rely on Him for every decision that you make.

Before the weekend comes, I was stuck in a dilemma. I wasn't sure if I should go to easter camp or not. Honestly, I knew where my heart stands. Is just that I don't have the courage to say it. yeah, I am weak and is pretty hard for me to say "NO" to others. I wanted to go away, to experience God. But I want to do something different this year too, somewhere I could really be alone with God. So, I decided not to go camp. Simply because is pointless to go for a camp that I know my heart would be somewhere else. Hence, it was just me and God.

Later the week, a few other people heard bout my plans and wanted to tag along too. I was alright with that idea, since is going to be a small group. But more and more people heard about it, and I was worried that they will choose the trip over the camp. Hence, I prayed. I pray that they wouldn't come if He doesn't want them too. Even if is just me alone, I am happy. A few people did pull out, and only one person was left with me, D. I'm glad =)

We were abundantly blessed in this trip. Firstly, we narrowly escape an accident (which I blame myself for) that could have seriously taken our lives away. Forgive me D, if you are reading this. That was really reckless of me. More details will be shared if you come and talk to me. Secondly, although the weather forecast did not seem so encouraging at first, but we had lots of sun on our way to Lake Tekapo. So much so that, we can walk around in shorts and sleeveless top. Thirdly, as we stopped by Lake Pukaki for our lunch, we came across with the vintage Zodiac road show! OMG! *hyperventilating* I love vintage cars and to see them on the road and able to take so many pictures with them before they leave (it was only a 20 min gathering), totally makes my day.

Before night falls, I prayed for a good weather to see the stars in Lake Tekapo. I heard God whispering in my ears that He promises the stars, but I need to have faith in Him. When the sun sets, I look up to the sky and saw those shinning stars, that He had quietly promised me before. I was totally speechless and dumbfounded.

3 months and counting

St Bathans

St Bathans

E's farewell

E's farewell

E's farewell

E has left Dunedin for a bout a week by now. The first night was tough and I cried myself to sleep. I know I took it pretty hard on myself, but I just cant help it. After all these years of having him so close to me, is really not easy to see him leave. What's more, this town is where we met and fall for each other. Sometimes I do wonder, if God permits, I would like to hold our wedding here too =) As for now, things are getting better and found myself lost in the extra, free time...

Last Friday, we went to this place call Saint Bathans (shown in the pictures above). Is about 3 hours drive north from Dunedin, pass by En Hakore and Middlemarch. The scenery is breath taking and I'm glad to be there with him. I hold a surprise farewell for him last Saturday too, but it some what failed. One of the girl I invited told him this, "I am not sure if is a surprise, but I cannot come to your farewell". LOL, I did put a note there not to tell him though. Maybe I should put it at the beginning of the description and bold it next time. So it turns out that he knew about the surprise the same time that others do, but thankfully, she did not reveal the date. It was a themed farewell too! Thanks to D and F, we came out with this awesome theme: "E's Style" [which consists of sunnies, hoodie, bog short and slippers] hehe.

I think God has been really kind to me. Knowing that E's leaving will have a big impact for me, He let me adapt to it slowly. How? The four day road trip that E took with his friend (a glimpse of LDR), then come back to Dunedin for a few days (where we went to St Bathans and hold a little farewell for him) then take off again to another road trip for a week (still within the same time zone) before flying back to S'pore for good. You see the change of period here? From four days to one week and now 3 months (I've decided to go back home in July), all these slow changes have allowed me to adapt to it slowly. So I'm pretty sure God will help me/us make it through LDR too =)

ps: BIG HUG to those who has sent me many thoughtful messages, and happily went out with me this week (you know who you are). I'm glad to have you guys around. You are a real blessing to me and thank you =) love you all! xoxo

my unspoken view

As most of you have heard, E is going back to S'pore this coming April. Some of you may wondered and have asked what is going to happen between us, if he goes back. Mean while, I have also received several comments, advice and critics from all parties. So here is what I really think.

Q: If E is going back to S'pore, what about you?

Me: We will have to go for LDR. Is not that we haven done it before. The first 6 months of our 3 years relationship, started on LDR. We decided to keep this relationship going despite our circumstances.

Q: That was 3 years ago, things have change isn't it? Your needs from 3 years ago may differ from what it is today.

Me: Yes, I agree and thank you for pointing it out. The reason why last summer of LDR was a bit rough may be a result of it, and I am not going to let it happen again. I will definitely talk to E about it and see what we can do about it.

Q: why can't you be more supportive about E going back to S'pore?

A: No matter what E decided to do, he'll always have me at his back. The thought that I am going to stop him from going back has never even crossed my mind. In fact, I have been trying to tell him that going back to S'pore isn't a bad idea at all. Just because E refuses to go back to S'pore, does not mean that is all due to my influences. He has a mind of his own, and I will never or be able to force him to do what he refuses to do.

Honestly, my view on E going back to S'pore, isn't exactly a bad idea at all. I think that is so much more better than the endless waiting and rejection that he has been going through here. Having said that, I will still hope. hope that he may actually find a decent job before he is forced to go back. Yes, I will definitely miss him, but that does not mean that I must have him by my side all the time. Is not good for the relationship, as well as for E himself. However, the fact that he can go back to his family and friends back home, is more than a good reason to go home. So stop telling me to be more supportive, when things are already so hard on us.

GLEE - Regionals "Get It Right" Full Performance

I am so angry right now. I am angry at him, but most of all, I am more angry with myself. I just can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe that I led myself into this. I can't believe that I allow this to happen. I can't believe that I do not know how to take care of my heart. I can't believe that I am getting hurt again.

I am just feeling all emo now... Mean while, there is this song that I really like from Glee..

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight