Deep down.

I was having a big time catch up with my girlies the day before yesterday. I explained to them my circumstances with Eugene. I find it a lot more easier to talk bout it now, though there is a point of time I was going to burst out crying already. However, talking it out definitely makes it easier for me to move on.

Some of the take back lesson that I learned is that, maybe deep down in my heart I knew that he is not the guy that I'm going to settle down with. That's why accepting marriage with him to get a house and all is so difficult for me. If I really want to be with him, I would have look forward to it. But the fact is that, there is so many issues between us, that I was really afraid of committing my life into his hand. I don't feel like he is the kind of guy that wants to lead in the marriage. Maybe he is, but just not with me. Being with him always makes me feel like, I am the one wearing the pants in the relationship. I am looking for a guy that could stir this relationship into a Godly marriage. I want to sit back and follow his guide, maybe we need to discuss and work things out together, but I dont mind that at all. I too wish that he could listen to me, which he couldn't. So I doubted him, not knowing if he will ever listen to me or stir us into a giant waterfall. Knowing that eventually leads to me believing that I don't really want this relationship, so I haven lost much to begin with.

Sheena, on the other hand, told me that maybe this is not God's will for us to be together. If it is, every thing will fall into places. But since it is not, then is better not to dwell in it. It took her a while, but every thing laid out for her perfectly and she felt like she is at where she belongs. So I just need to be patient, whether we will be together eventually or not, God will slowly reveal his plan to me.

Till then, keep me in your prayers.