酸。

酸。超级的酸啊！

说出了我的心声

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Sentimental

This coming week is the going to be the last week of my stay in Malacca. I'm glad that I can finally get out of this place. But at the same time, I'm feeling very sad.

I've learnt so much in the past 18 months here. So many memories build, not just with the company but with him. Though we can't spend much time together while he is here, but we did went to explore around the town for a bit. Some times, some where in town, I can still see his shadow on the street with me.

Is going to be a tough week ahead. Keep me in your prayers.

Nice guy vs Jackass

Grandpa: So when is your "friend" coming for visit again?
Me: He is not coming any more, we separated..
Grandma: You must be lying to me. you are right?
Me: No.. is true grandma. We part ways...
Grandparent: ....
Me: Is difficult, when I'm here and he is in SG.
Grandpa: true la..
Grandma: So who dont't want who?
Me: He don't want me.. 

Grandma: you must be joking.  

Me: No I'm not. Is true. 

Grandma eyes was tearful after hearing that. I wanted to cry too. But I can't, I need them to not worry and that I'll be fine.

Me: well, I can always find some one better. Maybe find some one handsome and rich!
Grandpa: haha. but is not easy to find some one like this.
Me: well, maybe some one that can treat me well.. A nice guy
Grandma: I think he is a nice guy.. 

That's true, but he is still the jackass that call the relationship off.

never leave a true relation for few faults

This is for you. I am not perfect, so were you. I didn't choose to give up, but you did. I hope you find the courage to love another, for who they were and not leave them for their faults.

Squabbles

Even after the break up, we are still having squabbles. This time, is just the same as before, hurtful and filled with anger. I don't know why we even started it at the first place. Was it to retrieve that slightest bit of hope of getting back together? If only. But it didn't, and it only made it worse.

I wish it still matters. I wish you would take one more step forward, if I really meant something to you. But is still just wishful thinking.

Angry Dragon

Okay, scratch the previous post. I am so not ready. It really sucks to wake up most morning still feeling blue over the previous relationship. I need to get my acts together. ARGH!!!!! I hate what you have done to me, E. TAN E G!

Ready

Mom wanted to bring me to this social gathering that my dad was invited, a celebration of getting a "datuk-ship". She tempted me that although a lot of uncles & aunty will be there, but they might bring their son along too. So I should go there and see if there is a chance for me to meet some one new. For a moment, that idea sounds good to me. Does that mean I'm ready though? Hrmmm..

Picture Monkey

I've just discover this cool apps on Chrome! Picture Monkey  It allow me to make pictures collage on my lap top. Hrmm.. I should check if they have an mobile app too. Any way, for the first collage I made, is from the pictures I took while I stayed at The Wink (SG). This is definitely the top on the list of high end budget hotel I stayed in, by far. One of the highlights that I must draw your attention to is their blanket. Most hostel will give you a very thin piece of blanket or of low quality, but at The Wink hostel, they give you a really nice duvet (like those in the hotel, maybe better). However, I got fooled by their breakfast, not something to die for. Though they make it as though is really good on their website. But overall, I enjoyed my stay here and I do strongly recommends this for those who travel to SG. Is just 3 min walk from the China Town MRT!

Comprehend

There are still a lot if things that I cannot comprehend. Like why my relationship has turned sour instead of sweet, how life can be so fragile yet so tough at the same time, how lost I can be at times but felt so secured in God's hand, how blessed I am in the midst of my troubles and etc.

Slowly, I'm giving up trying to comprehend what God is doing and enjoy having Him taking over the wheels.

By far, my schedule

So my service at this company is coming to an end soon. I'm going to miss working here. Like any other places, there are ups and downs, or drama as you call it, in the workplace. However, most of the time, I'm quite happy working here. I cant thank God enough for the good employer I have and also not to forget some difficult staff issues that I've grown out of.

Here's a quick review of my upcoming schedule

24, 25th Feb - off day

26th Feb - A/L 2013 

27th Feb - 8th March 2013 (10 days) - Work as usual. No off days.

28/29th March - Lee Hom Concert
Japan/ Korea trip - April? 

So yes, after 8th March, I will be a free woman! 

Gripped

I went to ikea today. I saw the double bed that we wanted to buy in the show room. The layout of that show room is similar to the size of his room, well maybe slightly bigger. Even the furniture that they displayed is very similar to our ideas.

Then, I felt like my heart was gripped tightly by an invisible hand.

Spread the wing

My holiday is coming to an end soon. Time for job hunting soon. Wish me luck!  

KL is the last place that I like to explore. Is not that I don't like this place, I love it, with all my friends and family. Just that, this country has the least career opportunity for me. So I like to try some where else. Time to spread that wings of mine. 

Dreams

I believe that if I keep a log of my dreams, it will make an interesting story book with the wildest imagination you can never think of. Some times good, some times bad. I'm still having bad dreams of being left alone, but last night, my dreams just took it another level up.

we were hanging out in a room, a common friend of ours was with us too. He started seducing me, right there in front of him. He was rather quiet and looking down, I think he is looking at some books or phone. The friend then started kissing my neck and slowly move down to my shoulder. Aiks!!!! I panicked  I pushed him away, turn him around and I pinned him down by pushing his hand to the his back (like what the cops did to the criminals). Then I started scolded him for what he has done to me. Then I left the room. The rest of our friend came to the room. It was a very awkward moment. I kept looking at him, but he is still quiet as usual. I was sad then I woke up.  

So there you go, one of the wildest dream I had.

Vday

Argghhhhh! Finally I made it through! I felt like my heart was being stabbed/ punched once every time I see a photo posted on facebook bout V-day. Sigh. We only got to celebrate one Vday in the past 5 years. First and the last. Sucks. Is not that I fancy a romantic dinner or a nice surprise, I just dont want to spend this day alone...

letting myself go

I'm getting really tired of going out nowadays. I'm afraid that I'll let myself go soon. Though every one been asking me to go out, I keep pushing every one away. I think I'm falling into a deep hole. Some one save me.

Heart

Mornings. I don't like mornings much nowadays. Most of the time, when I woke up from my dreams, I felt very down. Mainly because, I had nightmare bout getting dump or left alone by him in my dreams.

On a side note, I am reminded by a dear friend on protecting my heart in relationship. Is true that our heart can be broken, but none has the power to truly break it apart. My heart and soul belongs to God, the King of all kings, and the true white knight who can protect me. In you I will trust, dear God, for you know what's best for me. Thank you too, my dear, for the gentle reminder =)

Not going to wait forever

I had a talk with Eugene's mom just now. She was encouraging us to reconsider our relationship. It seems to her that I called the relationship off, and I had to explain to her it was not. I hate him, for making me the bad guy, when he was the one calling it off. So not cool.

I asked myself why did I want to call her, was it really just to wish her Happy New Year or was it more than that. Deep down, I want to hear her say to give both of us a chance again. Which she did, but as I think over it, it does not matter if every one around us want or do not want us to be together again. What matters most is his heart and if the same attitude persist, I really dont see how we can give each other a second chance. He must first want to make this relationship works, but unfortunately he does not.

I am not going to wait here forever, I expect him to know that he will hold on to us, through thick and thin, when he started the relationship with  me. If he cannot appreciate what he has now, how am I to know that he is going to hold on to the relationship when the future gets tougher or when he is tempted? I'm not really happy now and very much disappointed by how he handled the situation. Keep me in your prayers.

Deep down.

I was having a big time catch up with my girlies the day before yesterday. I explained to them my circumstances with Eugene. I find it a lot more easier to talk bout it now, though there is a point of time I was going to burst out crying already. However, talking it out definitely makes it easier for me to move on.

Some of the take back lesson that I learned is that, maybe deep down in my heart I knew that he is not the guy that I'm going to settle down with. That's why accepting marriage with him to get a house and all is so difficult for me. If I really want to be with him, I would have look forward to it. But the fact is that, there is so many issues between us, that I was really afraid of committing my life into his hand. I don't feel like he is the kind of guy that wants to lead in the marriage. Maybe he is, but just not with me. Being with him always makes me feel like, I am the one wearing the pants in the relationship. I am looking for a guy that could stir this relationship into a Godly marriage. I want to sit back and follow his guide, maybe we need to discuss and work things out together, but I dont mind that at all. I too wish that he could listen to me, which he couldn't. So I doubted him, not knowing if he will ever listen to me or stir us into a giant waterfall. Knowing that eventually leads to me believing that I don't really want this relationship, so I haven lost much to begin with.

Sheena, on the other hand, told me that maybe this is not God's will for us to be together. If it is, every thing will fall into places. But since it is not, then is better not to dwell in it. It took her a while, but every thing laid out for her perfectly and she felt like she is at where she belongs. So I just need to be patient, whether we will be together eventually or not, God will slowly reveal his plan to me.

Till then, keep me in your prayers.

Getting rid of stuff: part two

I only started packing our things yesterday, I had a busy day upon returning from Malacca. I took our pictures down from the cabinet. Put the photo scrapbook that we made, the shell that we collected (which we named after ourself), the wooden sake cups from Korea, etc. into the box. To my surprise  it only took me like 10 min to clear them all. I also give away the 2 tee that he gave me.

After clearing it out, I felt a sense of relief. My cabinet has more space for the rest of my stuff now. I guess the reason to why it took me such a short time to clear it out is because, I only focus on getting things out of my cabinet. I didn't allow myself to stop and think of all the memories that it carries with. I'm glad that didn't happened. I'm slowly getting there, I know it. Just need to keep my heads up and rest my future in God's hand. He has already began to surprise me =) Keep me in your prayers.

Leap of faith.

Most of the time that I used to reach him, before the break up, has been replaced by either readings, blogging or reaching out to my other friends. Oh, not to mention facebook as well. With him missing out in today's event, I felt like I've taken a big step in moving on without him.

To be honest, after a chat with a good friend of mine last night, I still thought of not giving up on us. But today, I think otherwise. I heard a whisper. He says, "Give me a chance to surprise you with my grand plan". I smiled as I heard it. 5 years ago, I took a leap of faith in him. Today, I'll take the leap of faith in God instead =)

you find the right person, any thing can be solved.

• I got this wise words from a dear friend. He used to be so up tight, realistic (not that he is not now), but he has changed so much. He become so mushy and sweet~ Well, he found some one in his life!  I'm so so happy for him! =) But his words strike me a lot and I cant agree more with it.
  
  

  like jobs, like recruitment, like everything in life.
  you must find the right person.
  a good person will stick through with you through thick and thin.
  so.
  yeah.
  don't worry too much if you're thinking about things in this area.
  as long as you have done your part.
  you cannot blame yourself.
  it takes 2 hands to clap. You put in the effort but if the other side don't, there's nothing you can do.
  you find the right person, any thing can be solved.
  you get the wrong person, everything cannot be solved.

  
  

Sexual harassment

I had a pretty long day today. I thought is going to be a cruise since I completed most of my major task. But then, so many things came up at the last minute. To top it up, I was harassed by one of the male staff. So not cool...

He did that to me few weeks back. I think this one of the thing that I wanted to tell Eugene but didn't. Why? Cause he was too occupied for me... Any way, back to the story. unfortunately, I was not the only one. All of the ladies got harassed too. He was warned, I seriously thought he would have learned, but I thought wrong again.

He came behind me and started swaying his hand behind my back, brushing his hand with my bottom. I was so angry and embarrassed. But ladies, please don't let it hold you back from reporting to the authorities. You deserve to protected and not harassed.  I pull him aside and threaten him that if he ever lay his hand on me, or any of the girls in the company, I will not hesitate to call the cops. I will bloody make sure he serve 3 months of jail, at the minimum, before get thrown back to Nepal. I meant it. Of course, he was terrified. He kept apologizing and says is his mistake.

Now that I think of it, I'm glad that I've confronted him and be brave to stand up for my own. Otherwise, things might just get worse.

不爽。

被人吃豆腐。 不爽。

摆脱

今早起来， 心还是酸酸的。 哭了一会，然后洗澡工作去了。 我什么时候才能摆脱这个过程？好期待着假期。 但，当我想到要对那么多人解释我们的分开。 心情又变得很低若。Sigh。陈燕倩， 加油吧！

無法假裝不愛你

喜歡一個人，在一起時會很開心；

愛一個人，在一起時會莫名的失落。

喜歡一個人，永遠是歡樂；

愛一個人，你會常常流淚。

喜歡一個人，當你想起他會微微一笑；

愛一個人，當你想起他會對著天空發呆。

喜歡一個人，是看到了他的優點；

愛一個人，是包容了他的缺點。

喜歡，是一種心情；愛，是一種感情 

可以忍住眼淚 , 可以假裝笑容 ,

卻無法忍住不想念 , 卻無法假裝不愛你

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Challenging my fears

Maybe, just maybe. God gave me this break so that I should take the time out to fix myself. I'm not talking bout plastic surgery; I'm talking bout emotionally and spiritually.

There are some issues that had been weighing on my mind for a very very long time. I think I should get it sorted out. I'll post them up once I'm ready and had sorted it out. Till then, keep me in your prayers :-)

Old friend

An old friend of mine called me up yesterday, just to check on me. we have known each other for nearly 9 years now. Although we lost in touch for a while, but I'm glad he called. I think friends play a big role in helping us to move on. every time I'm alone, unwanted thoughts came rushing in...

I complained to him that I had problem going to sleep lately, he suggested exercise to tire me out.  he says he will bring me for a walk up the hill in KL this coming cny holiday. Followed by bowlings, pool, archery and good food. Food sounds good, but I think the walk up the hill is enough, to kill some one with such low stamina like me. Haha. That reminds me of the trekking i did with Eugene in nz. I had a really great time then. If is possible, I'll like to do that again :-) even if I'll have to do it alone, is okay, that place is too mesmerizing.

So yes, I'm actually looking forward to this coming trip. Might even get to meet some news friends too! keep me in your prayers.

Getting rid of stuff: part one

Here come the tough time, getting rid of stuffs. I tried to clean up my room for cny, after I came back to Malacca today.  I stole a box from down stair, put all my junk in it. Then, comes the things that is difficult to put away...

The picture. The picture that we drew together. The one that took us months to finish. This is so much harder than throwing his tooth brush away. I hope he is not mad bout the... Toothbrush. But yes, I think I'll leave the picture here.

Then is the bed side standing lamp. I made him use up his ikea voucher for me. Haha, yes I can be prime evil to him some times. Think I'm taking it along with me. not sure where I'll place it. But I'll will.

So then there is his iPod. hey you, if you are reading this and want it back, let me know :-)  otherwise I'll load all the dancing song in while I do my stretching. Yes, I'm keeping it.

I think I'll have more things to clear away when I get back to KL. Sigh. One step at a time Ginny. So keep me in your prayers.

I'll be strong and move on.

I've been getting a lot of advice from every one to find something to occupy my time, so that I can move on faster. I know how it works, I've got my fair share of breaking up experiences before too. I think I'm doing all I can to move on already. Just that, I'm not sure on what I want to do now. Don't ask me what I want to do most now. Cause I'll be telling you how much I want to be with him still... (@.@)

I been writing about my feelings bout the break up on this blog. It sure helps a lot. I do like readings and swimming. So I guess I'll start on that too. I'll like to spend more time for my family and friends. I am very thankful for every one's support over this break up. I'll be strong and move on.

今天起来, 心还是会酸酸的 :'(

Mommy loves you all

Dear Shelly,

Mommy is missing you, polar bear and Daddy so much now. Help me to take care of them k? Some day, if God permits, we can be together again. If not, do stay strong cause mommy will be strong for you all too.

Xoxo

The End

I got the closure that I wanted today. We talked, laugh over it, be sad, angry over what each other had done or had not done, tell each other ' I love you', hug good bye and its over now. As much as I like to hold on, I will now learn to let him go. If we are meant to be together, we will come back with more faith in each other. If not, letting him go will be a wise choice now.

Hey you, I know you might be reading this. Just want to say thank you for the wonderful 5 years. You are not the bad guy, you are the most wonderful man God has put in my life. I sincerely want you to be happy.

Loving you always,
the Dudu gf.

Last time

The sky is so gloomy, just like my emotion now.

The last time I'll be boarding a bus to sg, the last time to fill up the immigration card, for the last time.

Closure

Today is the day. A day to find closure for this relationship. I hardly sleep last night. All the conversations we had bout breaking up keeps replaying in my mind. I'm going to miss him.
No, I'm missing him already.

I don't know what to say or do later. I just know that I needed this. Keep me in your prayers.

Why give up now?

Every one thinks that I'm strong. They are right, I can bounce back very fast and adapt to my circumstances or environment quickly.

But for this matter, I don't wish to. I just want things to be back to how it was before. I thought of him so much. I miss him. I miss being in his arms, I miss having him tell me he loves me, I miss cuddling on the bed and watch movie together, I miss exploring new places with him... We had so much happy memories together, and time to build more. Why give up now?

well said.

Burst bubble.

Will I be able to love again? It just came to me today. I think I might. Or I might just secretly love him till I die. Like those spinster in the movies. A small apartment, lots of cats. and a rocking chair. Then again, I dont like cats. So maybe a dog will do.

Sigh, I dont know. How I wish that things could be like what it is before. Back in the old days when we both are happy together. I used to see him as the grandparent to our grand child. How we both will spoil them silly. I know is bit weird, usually people see the father/ mother of their child or something. But I really really REALLY thought that I can spend the rest of my life with him. I thought we could work things out together, as long as we love each other. Now all these dream or vision is merely another burst bubble.

The wise one

My boss took me out for movie and supper tonight. I was able to talk to her in a calmer way bout him. I was crying so badly on the second night, in front of her, when I asked to leave the company earlier. Now to think of it, I'm quite embarrassed. LOL. We shared a lot on our own experiences in relationships. I guess every one has their own emotional scars left from an unfruitful relationships. She gave me a lot of her thoughts on relationships, it was very wise. Her experiences and the things she went through makes mine look so small and insignificant. I think she is a woman of strong will and very brave when it comes to obstacle in life. I'm very glad to have meet her. I know I will come out stronger from this, I know. Keep me in your prayers.

after the crying and sulking

haha. I was so angry while I was writing the previous post that I didn't realize that I typed the "Liar" wrongly. Not going to amend the post though, it just proves that I was really upset bout the whole break up thing. I still think is stupid, but then again, relationship needs commitment from both side. So if one gives up, what is there left? I dont want to hold on to him or drag him down. If he is better off without me, then who am I to hold him back. Dont get me wrong, is not that I don't love him enough. Is just that, I love him too much to not give him what he wants.

I will be meeting him this coming sunday personally. I am not going to meet him with the intention to patch things up, is to find closure for myself. I needed that, break up over the phone is not my kind of thing. I hope things goes well or I am not too emo after. Keep me in your prayers.

You made me felt so loved when I thought I wasn't worthy of being loved.

I cried when I got home last night. I cried when I told my boss that I want to leave the company earlier. I cried when my best friend tried to talk me out of crying. I cried when I was alone in the room. I cried when my other boss called me. I cried when I was in the shower. I cried when I was cooking dinner. I cried when my mom and brother called me. I cried so much yesterday.

But in the midst of all these crying and sulking, my phone never stops ringing with concern messages from  all over the world. haha, I made a joke out of this to my brother before. I was well known to the world, cause my friends are from all over the world. But seriously, I need to find time to answer all of them. But explaining to others why my bf dump me is not easy... please give me some more time. Then my boss who called me was kind enough to ask me go down to SG the next day so that we two can patch things up. She even offered me a place to stay while I was there. Isn't she great?

To be honest, I am really blessed. Though I thought I fallen hard, but God been with me every step of the way. So thank you guys. You made me felt so loved when I thought I wasn't worthy of being loved.

Lier!

I really dont get it, if you say you love me and I love you too, why cant we be together? Lier!